Please, stop loving me
by ola
Summary: This is an LJ sory. nothing to do with A visit to Hogwarts. angst and sadness. just something i felt like writing. please review and tell me what you think. final chapter is up
1. chapter 1

~ Please, stop loving me ~

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

~*~*~

A/N: sorry about not posting anything for a while J it's summer vacations, and I'm lazy. Not that I didn't have time, but it was easier to read other people's stories that type my own.

All right, this is a story about Lily. Yes, James and the others are in it too, but it has nothing to do with "a visit to Hogwarts".

I have 3 other story ideas in my mind, and two of those, I began writing, but it will take a while for me to type them. Again, sorry, but typing is not my thing. This story, I already finished before school ended (I told you I didn't like typing!), but if you have any new idea, they are welcomed for the next story about Lil and James (didn't you already guess that I love thoseJ?)

Anyway, enjoy, and tell me what you think. And now, here goes the story:

~*~*~

Chapter 1-

Lily sat on the bank of a silver lake, the waters shimmering under the bright evening sun, and as smooth as oil. This was the spring of her 5th year, and she was thinking about how much her life had changed since she had set foot at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. At eleven, she had learned that she was a witch, had left her friends, and taken the Hogwarts Express. Her first two years had been absolutely wonderful. As a Griffindor, she had made great friends, both guys and girls, as much in her own house as in Ravenclaw and Hufflepuf. And with that, she had of course made her share of enemies. Then, one morning, she had received a letter by owl post, a letter that she still remembered word for word, and whished it had never arrived. Her parents had died. It had not said how, or why, just that it had happened and that now, she was an orphan, living with her grandmother. Since that time, she had changed a lot herself. She wasn't exactly withdrawn, but she feared that if she came to love another person like she had her parents, something bad would happen, and that person too would leave her, alone, scared… It was too painful to remember exactly how she had felt at that time, but she knew that it hurt. It hurt very much, and she didn't want to have to go through something like that again. So she had raised an emotional barrier between herself and the world. If she didn't love anyone, no one would hurt her. Her heart was encased in a solid block of ice, numb to the outside world. That was the best compromise she could do with herself, even though it was hardly a good one. Her friends were still friendly to her, but it wasn't the same as it once had been. She smiled and talked to them, but all that was just a mask. A mask that hid the broken heart of a sixteen years old girl.

A soft breeze ruffled her red hair, bringing her the sweet smell of roses and lilies. She sighed. _At least, the world still has flowers, blue skies, and beautiful sunsets,_ she thought, as she changed the position of her legs to let back some circulation back into her feet. Over the tall trees of the Forbidden Forest, she could see small white and pink tinted clouds, lazily moving across the slowly darkening sky. And a few minutes later, the sun turned into a glowing orange ball, bathing everything it touched with a fiery light. Lily sighed again._ This is wonderful…the only beautiful thing that is left for me,_ she thought with melancholy, thinking of the other sunsets she had seen with her parents. Those too had been wonderful, and even more so because of the presence of her parents. She clutched the pendent swinging down from her neck, taking strength from its memories. A tear silently trickled down her cheek, blurring her vision, but she didn't raise her hand to wipe it away. Finally, the sun sank behind the horizon, coloring the far away clouds with pinkish orange colors, and Lily left to go back to the castle, wiping her tears away and making herself presentable to avoid unwanted questions from her friends.

~*~*~

She made it back to the Common Room unseen.Everyone was probably studying. _Yea, right,_ she thought sarcastically, a small smile creeping up her face. The Griffindor Common Room was a circular room mostly decorated in deep red and gold. On the opposite side of the hole that served as a door was a huge fireplace, two griffins carved out of white marble standing guard on each side. The fire gave off a soft warmness that penetrated right to the bone, but was relaxing instead of being too hot and oppressive. Right in front of it were cozy armchairs of different sizes and a large sofa, arranged in a circle, facing the flames, whose bright flickering light made dancing shadows on the warm, bare stonewalls. As lily's feet touched the plush carpet, she heard some "hi's" from friends curled in those armchairs, which she answered half heatedly. But as she began going up the stairs to her dorm, lea caught her arm and went up with her, not saying a word, but Lily knew what was coming. Lea knew about Lily's parents, but what's more, she also knew about her feelings and "compromises" with herself. _How_ she knew was of no importance. What mattered was that she had stayed Lily's friend, even though the first year after her parents' death would have discouraged anyone from doing so. Physically, Lea was very different from Lily. She had medium length, sun-bleached, straight, blond hair, brown eyes, was short and very tanned, while Lily had long, wavy, red hair, large green eyes, was rather tall, and had a pale complexion, sprinkled with freckles.

"All right, hon, tell me what happened," said Lea as she sat on her bed, gently pushing Lily on hers own, right next to hers.

"Nothi…" she began, as Lea cut her off.

"And don't tell me 'nothing'. Your eyes are red, you've been crying…again. So come on, tell me what's wrong Lil."

Lily just sat there, looking at the floor, her hand coming up to close around her pendant. _I will not break down here and cry, I won't mom,_ she thought, as if she could talk to her mom through the contact of the pendant. She didn't want to talk right now, and she didn't want pity. Lea sighed and sat down next to Lily, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, as Lily's head dropped on Lea's shoulder.

"Oh, Lily, what am I going to do with you? You can't live like this. I know it hurts, and I also know that I can't even really know _how_ much, but you have to trust me on that Lil. You can't go on like this, you don't cry, you don't talk about it,…you just keep it inside yourself, and it is slowly strangling the light that lives inside you. All right, I'm finished with my little speech here, and I won't bother you again. But please, Lil, promise me you will try to change," said Lea, her voice pleading as she tried to help her best friend. But as she looked again Lily again, she didn't know quite what to make of the tears rolling down her cheeks, so she just held her friend as she was raked by sobs, wondering whether she was finally accepting her paren't death or was crying for another reason.

"Thank you Lea," whispered Lily, drying her eyes with shaky fingertips. "I'm sorry for acting that way, it's just that it.." she sighed, "it hurts to think about it."

"Yes it does, but that's what friends are for, Lil," said Lea softly, as Lily made an attempt at a smile.

~*~*~

The next morning, Lily acted as if nothing had happened the evening before, which means that she was being shy, a cold bitch, a peacock, or an indifferent student, depending of whose opinion you wanted. Lily knew about it, and although that too hurt, it brought a small smile to her lips. Wasn't it what she wanted? To be left alone? So if she was antipatic, no one would like her, and she wouldn't have to like that person in return. And if she didn't, that person wouldn't be able to hurt her heart. "if you don't feel, you don't hurt," said a little voice in her head, as she made her way down a large stone staircase into the empty Great Hall for her breakfast. She sat at the edge of the long Griffindor bench, quickly ate scrambled eggs and a toast with raspberry jam, and washed it down with a glass of cool orange juice, then she left, making a detour by her dorm room to wash her teeth and put on a green sweater. As she pushed open the huge castle door, made of old, rough wood, a gust of chilly wind caressed her face. She couldn't see anyone outside, and that was for the best. She preferred to run alone, when no one was watching. She walked to the edge of the Forbidden Forest; the dewy grass left droplets of water on her sneakers, and the musty, earthy smell of the forest drifted to her nostrils. And just as she came up to a large, leafy oak tree, the sun rose from behind Hogwarts castle, illuminating this new day with its brilliant light. Lily smiled, awed by this simple and ephemeral miracle of nature. Although as beautiful, sunsets made her melancholic, being a symbol for happy endings, while sunrises gave her new energy to go through another day. And while she enjoyed the short sunburst and its warm rays on her face, she stretched her legs and arms, and started running. One of the things she liked about this school was the expense of grounds on which she could run; around the lake, along the Forbidden Forest's edge, short distances into the forest…the combinations were numerous. As her legs moved under her and her arms pumped at her sides, she forgot her worries, concentrating on her footfalls, making as little noise as possible. Her long red hair streamed out behind her and her cheeks were colored by the exercise. Her long tanned legs easily loped over the ground, as it fairly from underneath her. As her body occupied itself with running, her mind wandered off somewhere by itself, only reminding of itself by the strong beating of its heart and the softer bumping of a pendant under her sweater against her chest. Finally, as the sun fully came out from behind the castle, she stopped, heaving, and again began stretching to help her muscles relax, then slowly walked back to the castle to take a shower and begin the day's classes.

As she came up to the huge stone stairs of the castle's main entrance, she schooled her expression into a semblance of calmness and detachment. She didn't much like it, and her heart rebelled, but her mind knew better. It was a survival skill.

~*~*~


	2. chapter 2

~ Please, stop loving me ~

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

~*~*~

Chapter 2- 

Soft darkness. Then a piercing light stabbed his closed eyelids as someone opened the drapes of his four-poster bed.

"Sirius," growled the boy lying on the bed, mumbling something that was probably very good Sirius didn't hear.

"And a very good morning to you too Prongs," said Sirius, laughter in his voice. "Come on, I'm hungry. Breakfast started fifteen minutes ago."

Prongs, as James Potter was called by his friends, sighed, and slowly rolled himself out of bed. Sirius was his best friend, and they knew each other since as far back as they could remember, but sometimes, Sirius was exasperating, acting like a little kid on Christmas morning. And when he go something into that weird mind of his, there was no way of dislodging it. So as James plunged his head into the wooden chest at the foot of his bed to find something presentable to wear, Sirius grabbed the first thing that his hands fell on: a pair of old blue jeans, a brownish shirt that has seen better days, and a rumpled Hogwarts robe that looked as if it had been slept in. and it probably had been, not so long ago. Then he fished a pair of unmatched socks from under his bed, but at least, _those_ were clean, and stomped his feet to lodge them comfortably into his big combat boots. The fact that he was rapidly nearing the 6 feet mark, that his hands and feet were disproportionally large compared to the rest of his already long body, and that despite the large amount of food he ingested every day he was thin didn't help his appearance. And to top it off, his head was covered by a mop of black, unruly hair that should have seen a pair of scissors a few months ago. That was Sirius, and it took him less than a minute to get ready. Meanwhile, James was putting on a pair of sweat pants and a clean new t-shirt, under his black Hogwarts robe. He was a head smaller than Sirius, and his hair was even blacker, if possible, and as messy, but cut shorter. And as much as he liked dressing comfortably, he only did so because he could hide it all under his robe. As they were about to leave, James glanced out the window and near the edge of the forest saw a small figure running. He frowned for a moment, and then recognized Lily as the wind picked up her red hair.

"Carrot is running again," said Sirius, following James's gaze.

_Sirius is a hopeless case, _thought James, but he grinned all the same.

~*~*~

Down in the dining hall, James and Sirius sat down on the smooth wooden bench of the Griffindor table, one on each side of Remus, a medium size boy with short brown hair and eyes to match. As soon as Sirius's posterior touched the bench, he began cramming food into his wide-open mouth. Scrambled eggs, muffins, sausages, French toasts, grapes, oranges…nothing escaped him once he laid eyes on it, but his excuse was that "he was a growing boy." Meanwhile, James and Remus were spreading butter and jelly on their toasts, and talking about their next little escapade. James wanted to trek through the Forbidden Forest while Remus preferred to look for new secret passages in the castle.

"What do you think padfoot?" they finally asked.

"Mmpmnf…" Sirius's mouth was still packed with food.

"What?"

"I said she's beautiful," he managed after gulping down his last mouthful.

"What?!" asked James and Remus, bemused by his answer.

"Lily," he said, nodding his head toward the girl.

"Oh," said the other two boys, watching Lily as she passed through the Great Hall, head held high, back straight, and mouth tightened in a determined line.

"Except for the mood she's in, she would be a perfect girlfriend," said Sirius, always thinking about girls. Well, at least he did when he wasn't thinking about food.

"Has she always been this way?" asked James, trying to remember his first year.

"No," said Sirius flatly, remembering the time she had dropped a frog down his robe, and he had screamed like a girl. Very embarrassing.

James laughed as he too remembered that day. He had practically died from laughter, his belly hurting, as he had rolled on the floor.

Remus, however, remained silent and thoughtful. Three years ago, he had been one of Lily's best friends. They used to go up onto the roof at night and stargaze, talking about anything that crossed their minds. Then, one day, she hadn't come, and had altogether stopped talking to him, except for some hi's and hello's. He had been very sad, wondering what he had done wrong. Then, he thought that she had discovered his secret, and he had spent a few very restless days, until finally, he learned from Lea what had happened. He felt guilty that he had been relieved, and he tried to talk to Lily about her loss to make her feel better, but she constantly kept eluding him, a haunted look in her eyes, and he didn't want to pressure her. Now, he regretted it, as she had all the signs of depression, but it was too late. She was too far-gone for him to do her any good, and he sometimes laid awake at night, wondering what he could do to help, and berating himself for not doing anything sooner. Today, James's question had opened Remus's old wound, and he wondered how Lily was feeling. He strongly believed that she wasn't any better. Then, Sirius playfully clapped him on the back, and it was a wonder he didn't fall into his plate. But as he noticed the world around him again, he momentarily forgot Lily.

~*~*~

A/N: 6 reviews in 7 hours! Youpi! That's the best response that I ever got! It makes me want to write more, so here it is, before I have to go to school, and don't have time to write more. Lily will be back in the next chapter, with a flashback of her mother. Will probably be up in a few days. J For now, enjoy the rest of your vacations (I'm sorry for all of you who are already in school) and review!

~Ola


	3. chapter 3

~ Please, stop loving me ~

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

~*~*~

Chapter 3- 

Drip. Drip. Drip, went the water as Lily held a glass of liquid over the seedling in a little brown pot. It was Saturday evening, and as there would be no classes tomorrow, she was doing little things that she normally didn't have time for. The little plant that she was watering was an orange tree. She had grown it from seed, putting it into the soil a few days before that dreadful letter had arrives. Then she had completely forgotten about it until one day a tiny green shoot peaked up from beneath the black earth. Heart broken, Lily had wanted to throw it away, as it reminded her too much of those days, but somehow she couldn't. Three years later, the little plant was still growing on her dorm's windowsill, and Lily had become very fond of it. Sometimes, especially in the first year, when she would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming from the nightmares that kept plaguing her mind, she would open the window to let in the night's breeze, sit on the windowsill and talk to her little orange tree, telling it what she felt, and how she missed her parents. She always felt better afterwards, even though the plant couldn't consol her with words. Maybe that was the reason _why_ she liked it. It would never tell her she was silly to cry or that it was high time she stopped grieving and lived a normal life again. No. It would just keep growing peacefully, its shiny leaves turned expectantly toward the sun. It was one of those little things that helped her get through those first awful months. 

Lily sighed, patted the pot's dark earth and put the now empty glass away. Then, she sat down on her bed and took the pendant from around her neck into one of her hands. At first glance, it looked like a small silver rectangle attached by a small round loop to a thin silver chain, but at a closer look, it revealed to be a tiny little book. The cover was made of polished silver and decorated with a simple lily. It had some inscriptions on it as well, but they were too small to make out. Between the two covers, however, were real pages, some blank, and some fully covered in green writing. As for the chain, it was a delicately carved replica of a climbing vine, each little leaf perfect in all its details.

Lily looked at it for some time, fighting back tears as old memories came flooding back.

~*~*~

_Once again, she was a little girl, sitting on her mother's lap. It had been raining, but that hadn't dampened her mood. She was a happy girl, sitting with her dear mom near a big window overlooking a small, peaceful lake. They had been watching the silver raindrops silently sliding down the windowpane, tiny dancers whirling in the bigger stage of life. And far away, on the lake's surface, those same drops gently fell from the clouds to dive gracefully into the shimmering water. They had both been mesmerized by this simple yet beautiful ballet of nature. Then, her mother had unclasped the silver chain from around her neck and given it to her. "So you will always remember this peaceful afternoon." Silvery gift for a silvery day. She had then shown her how to magic the tiny journal open so she could write her deepest secrets in it, and always keep it near her heart. And as always, she had later given her a kiss, full pf pride for her little daughter_.

~*~*~

Tears brimmed her eyes, and she blinked to clear her sight. Then, like so many other times. She magicked the tiny journal open and looked at the new blank page staring back at her. _Blank. Like me. With no feelings, and no emotions. Cold as snow._ A tear trickled down her face and she wiped it angrily before it fell on the smooth white paper._ Isn't that what you wanted?_ She asked herself bitterly, as she began writing.

~*~*~

_Remus is acting strange,_ thought James, observing his friend from behind a book. The usually neat Remus was now going through his wooden chest as fast as lightning, discarding clothes right and left after he checked their pockets.

"Wow, Remus, you finally became one of us!" said Sirius, coming in. his part of the room looked as if a bomb had exploded in it. Clothes were strewn on every available surface, including the floor and the bed, and most of them were wrinkled and shabby. Not that Sirius was poor, but rather because he used the same clothes to go to class with and to slither through the forest's floor to play pranks on unwary students. 

Remus didn't even look up, continuing his mad search. Finally, he came to the bottom of the wooden box, and his clothes stopped flying. But only for a few seconds. As he looked up in search of whatever it was he was looking for, James noticed the haunted look in his wild eyes, and the pallor of his face.

"Remus? Are you all right?" asked James, concerned with his friend's health. But Remus only whirled around, half ran to his school bag, and fished something out of it, then closed himself in the bathroom. When he came out, he once again looked normal, except for his blood shot eyes.

"Remus?"

"I'm okay. Huge headache. I was searching for some pills," he answered, but his voice had a strange intonation in it.

I'll have to watch him more carefully. Something is wrong with him and I have no intentions of letting him down. He's my friend, damn it!

_ _

~*~*~

Lily sat in the last row, at the far right, in every class. From that spot, she had a perfect view of the whole class, and no one could look at her without turning their head. But that was okay. She didn't want to be noticed. If people noticed you, it's because they like you. And if they liked you, you probably would like them too. _No thank you. I do not need anyone in my life. And I never will,_ thought Lily with determination._ Really?_ Said a little voice in the back of her head. She heaved a sigh and tried to listen to Mr. Binn lecture them on the Goblin rebellion. But her mind quickly lost track of his monotonous voice to once again ponder the meaning of her life. Why exactly was she still alive? Going through the motions without feeling anything._ I should have died with them. Then I would be with them now. I wouldn't be so alone,_ thought Lily sadly, as she tried to keep her feelings to herself. No one could know what she was feeling, or they would use her weakness as a weapon against her. So she quickly drew her eyebrows together in a frown that hid her melancholy, but she wasn't quick enough. Back at the far left of the class, also in the last row, James too was paying no attention to Mr. Binn. The morning's conversation was still in his mind. _She used to be different before. She used to play pranks on everyone…she used to be funny…now…now… I don't really know. She wants us to think that she is indifferent to everything, but is she really?_ Thought James, as he glanced at Lily. Her green eyes were large with sadness, she had caught her lower lip between her teeth, and her usual frown was gone. In her right hand, she was unconsciously fingering a silver chain around her neck. _She doesn't want us to know something. She is being antipatic for a purpose and not because it's her personality. But why? I remember her having lots of friends, always cracking up about the Slyverins, and giggling from something they had said. So why did she suddenly left everyone to be by herself? It wasn't because she wanted to, was it?_ As James pondered on what had happened to Lily, without taking his gaze off her, he didn't notice Sirius whispering to him and the gleam in his eyes as he saw who James was looking at. Only the bell finally woke him up from his thoughts, and he groaned as all the loud noises assailed his ears. After the calming silence of his thoughts, the bell and the shouts of the other students were magnified three folds. It didn't help any when Sirius told him about the homework Mr. Binn had assigned them for the day after tomorrow. _Oh, this is just great,_ thought James with sarcasm. _And as I can't remember a single thing from this lesson, I will have to stay up until God knows when to finish this stupid assignment._ And with that, he followed his fellow students out of the large classroom.

~*~*~

A/N: all right, that's it for now. Thanks a bunch for everyone who reviewed. I went online this morning but couldn't get on fanfiction, there was an error on it or something. Anyway, no, Lily and Remus are just very good friends, or I should say, they were. We all know that she will end up with James, cause we all read the books. And you got L/J in this chapter. Happy?

Next chapter: more sadness, and thoughts about her life. She finds something, and gets in trouble. Chapter after _that,_ you finally get to see what's wrong with Remus. All right, I won't tell you the whole story, you will have to read it for yourself. (and before that, I will have to type it) ha ha.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed it. Please review to let me know what you think. And if you do, I will go read your stories too. Fair?

~Ola


	4. chapter 4

~ Please, stop loving me ~

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

~*~*~

Chapter 4- 

A gentle hooting sound woke Lily up. Blinking and rubbing her sleepy eyes, she smiled at the snowy white owl perched on the windowsill. She quickly got out of bed and spent some time stroking its soft feathers. It's name was Pepe, which meant grandpa in French, as he reminded her of one, with his silvery coloration, and for some time now, he took the habit of coming to her window a few minutes before dawn. At first, he came mostly for the owl treats she left for him, but then, whenever Pepe saw her, whether it was in the dining hall or outside, he always dropped on her shoulder, softly hooting in her ear. And although she had no idea what he was trying to tell her, she was happy for his company. _He_ at least would never heart her. He wouldn't say anything mean to her nor would he leave her alone on purpose.

As the sky changed from the grayish blue of pre-dawn into the true blue of a sunny day, Lily dressed into her sweat pants, sweater and sneakers, and silently made her way down into the Common Room, not forgetting to close her dorm room, and once again marveling at the insight of the people who built Hogwarts to have built _stone_ stairways instead of wooden ones. There was no way she would have been able to go up or down wooden stairs short of using magic without stepping on a loudly creaking step. In the pre-dawn light, the Griffindor Common Room looked eerie. Grayish light filtered through the three arched windows and made long shadows on the opposite wall. Even darker shadows sat at the foot of each armchair; dogs faithfully crouched at their master's heels. As always, a few papers were strewn on the floor and on armchairs, the only proof of students working late into the night to finish homework begun belatedly. Drunk with sleepiness, they had probably staggered up the stairs into their dorms at an unholy hour, forgetting their work. But today, the sun fell on more than just a few forgotten homework; a glint caught Lily's eye and she glanced to her right. Amid a mess of books, quills, and unrolled parchment lying on the floor was a small, stopered glass bottle, lying on its side. When she picked it up, she saw that inside it was a white powder, and she wondered whom it belonged to._ What is that? An ingredient for a potion? A project someone had been assigned to do?_ She didn't finish her thoughts as the gilded clock on the fireplace mantle struck six. Looking up in surprise, she realized that she had very little time left for her morning jogging if she didn't want to be late, and she began running. It was only once she was outside, in the chilly morning air, that she remembered the vial she still held in her hand. _Oh well, _she thought as she pocketed the thing,_ it would be stupid to go back now, I will just return it after running._

This morning was warmer than yesterday, and Lily's spirits rose as she performed her daily exercise. She let her mind work on moving her feet, forgetting her worries for a moment. But they returned, as devious as ever. _It would be great to have a spell to stop emotions,_ she thought wryly, but then she sobered._ Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have to hurt so much. I wouldn't have to hurt at all! Yea, but then, I wouldn't be human anymore. I wouldn't really be alive. Better just end my life for good. _She shivered as another thought crossed her head. _What id without feelings, I turned into a Death Eater? Oh my God._ Her fingers rose to touch the pendant._ Death would be a better option…but isn't that what I'm turning into anyway? An unfeeling bitch, frowning and glaring at everyone? It's not really how I am. I do it so I won't get hurt. But isn't that the same thing? That's how the others think of me…wouldn't it be better to end it all? _Thinking, Lily had stopped running. She was startled to hear the bell for first class breaking the morning silence. She resumed running, now dashing back to the castle in a straight line, but she still arrived ten minutes late to transfiguration, although she took the stairs three at a time.

"Miss Evans, you are late," said professor McGonogal simply.

Gasping for breath after her mad dash, Lily could only nod as she took her seat.

"I believe this will not happen again?"

"Yes, Mrs. McGonogal" she replied, still short of breath, as the teacher began instructing her interrupted class. 

When Lily's heart stopped its frantic beating, and she began breathing normally again, she realized that she was still wearing her sweaty clothing, her long hair windblown, and she had absolutely nothing necessary to take notes with. She felt her cheeks burning with shame, but what she had been thinking about in the field kept nagging at her mind. _Wouldn't it just be better to end it all? It would solve all the problems at once. I would see my parents again, I wouldn't have to wear a mask every day of my life, I wouldn't hurt so much, and I wouldn't be so alone…_ for a moment, she stared at the desk in front of her face, tracing the darker patterns of the wood with her eyes; but then, she thought about something. _Mom and dad probably went to Heaven. But wasn't there something in the Bible that said that suicide is a sin, and so you would go to Hell? If it's true then I would never see them again. But then, is it worth it to stay alive? _Her train of thoughts was suddenly interrupted by a piece of parchment floating right under her nose to land gracefully in the center of her desk._ What the…?!_ She quickly looked up, just in time to see a mop of black hair hide behind a tall, black-haired boy. _Who is sitting there?_ Now curious about this act of generosity, she looked around the room, trying to remember who her classmates were, and which one was the one who was hiding. She didn't remember. Transfiguration wasn't her best subject, by far. It would be safe to say that it actually was her worst. And therefore, she actually had to work hard, take notes and listen to the teacher if she wanted to pass. So it came as no big surprise that she didn't spend her class time looking around at the other students._ But who is that? I won't even be able to thank her. Or him._ She craned her neck, trying to see who her benefactor was without being too obvious. _Sirius, isn't it? Well, if he wasn't so big and so tall, I might see who is sitting behind him!_ Getting angry and a bit desperate, she leaned her chair back, its two front feet leaving the ground. Almost…she could see the back of the mysterious person. She wore a crimson t-shirt under her robe. She could see the red collar peeking from under the black robe._ Well, not she. It's probably a he cause his hair is short._ The chair creaked from the unexpected position it was in, and a few seconds later, every head in the classroom turned to look at Lily, as she noisily crashed tot eh floor, emitting a frightened gasp as she felt herself falling, and breaking the silence of the classroom._ God! It hurts!_ At first, she could only think about the pain at the back of her head. Then, as her eyes focused and cleared from eh black spots dancing in her vision, she finally got a clear view of the mysterious person._ James? James Potter? Why would HE help me? It's to his advantage to leave me without notes, so he will be valedictorian._ But her thoughts were cut short by an apprehensive McGonogal.

"Miss Evans, are you all right?"

_Am I?_ Groan._ I don't know._ "I'm okay," she managed to say.

"Well, then get back to your desk. And I want to see you at the end of the class."

"Yes Madame." She heard some snickers as she did as asked, but she held her chin high and sat down on her chair again with as much dignity as she could muster. For her classmates, she was once more the proud Lily they knew, but inside, she was walking on an edge. A very thin edge. And one step either way would see her tumbling down into black emptiness.

She didn't think much. She didn't _want_ to think at all because every time she did, she thought about how miserable her life was and what she could do to end it._ No! I won't! Not now!_ So she concentrated as hard as she could on the lesson at hand, glancing from time to time at James, and quickly looking away if he happened to be looking _her_ way._ What does he want?_ She thought, as she took notes with his quill.

~*~*~

After what seemed an age, the bell finally rang, and Lily gathered her borrowed quill and parchment, waiting for everyone to leave the room before going to see Mrs. McGonogal.

"Miss Evans, I will go right to the point. If you continue having the same grades, you will fail this class. I am aware that you are doing just fine in every other class. I can even say that you are doing a wonderful job. If you increase your grades in this class, you could challenge Mr. Potter for valedictorian. You are a bright young girl and I know you can do better than that. If need be, I will ask one of your classmates to help you." She did not say anything about Lily's tardiness, nor raise an eyebrow at her shabby appearance. That news did not come as happy, though. _Was that why Potter let me borrow his supplies? Because he was asked to? _Anger rose in her, and she felt like punching him. Really hard._ Did he hide because he was ashamed to let the others know he had to help me?_ Then she realized that why he did it mattered._ But it shouldn't! I do not care why he did it. He is an ass-hole, he's selfish, he's…why am I angry? There is nothing to be angry about,_ she thought, fuming. Mrs. McGonogal looked curiously at her, and Lily scolded herself for letting her emotions show._ What will she think now? That I'm either a shy little girl, or a brat, angry at her because I'm failing her class. Neither is good._ Anger and desperation mixed inside her, battling against each other. Neither was winning, but neither was losing either. Lily was about to burst.

"I will try harder Madame, I promises," she managed, before she quickly stepped out of the class and began running down the hall, her footsteps echoing through the emptiness, soft thuds, getting quicker._ Where to? Common Room is out of the question; it'll be full of people now. Outside? No, someone will look out of a window and find me. Astronomy tower! Yes, no one will be there until nightfall. _Breathing hard, and tears fighting to get out, she made it to the tower without being seen, and as soon as the door was shut, she sank to her knees, parchment and quill falling tot eh floor from her numb fingers. Tears started rolling down her cheeks, as she shook with silent sobs._ What's happening? Why am I crying?_ She thought, angrily wiping her tears away. As she calmed down, she sat on the cold stone floor, hugging her knees to her chest. She was sad, and she didn't know why. _Because McGonogal told me I was failing? No…I already knew that, and I can get help. Because Potter wasn't as nice as I thought? So what? I thought that's what you wanted? Be apart from everyone. Yes, but…_ she could feel a void inside her, and it hurt. It hurt as much as the absence of her parents, but it wasn't quite the same._ What am I going to do then? I can't both be with people and away from people. It's just impossible! Arrgg. You're either black, or white. You can't be a checkerboard!_ Sighing, she took her first look around the room. She has been here several times with her astronomy class, but always at night, with no light but the dim glow of the moon. Now, the sunlight was streaming in through the half open roof, gleaming off the metal telescope. The floor was bare, and so were the walls, warm with sunlight. She remembered lying on the floor during one of the class, filling up a chart of the night sky, then rolling on her back to look at the twinkling stars. As she looked up at the roof, she caught sight of a red object, and her heart missed a beat as she remembered her nights with Remus, sitting on the roof of the astronomy tower. They had charmed a tile of the roof red, as a memory of their friendship. Again, tears welled up in her eyes, but this time, she let them fall. _God, why? Why me?_

~*~*~

A/N: that's it for now. Thanks everyone who reviewed, it made me want to write more. The number of reviews is directly proportional to the number of chapters! J

If you are bored and do not have anything better to do than read fan fiction, then stop for a minute, and send a little prayer for the people who died in NYC and Washington, and for all those who lost a part of their life. It's the least you could do. L


	5. chapter 5

~ Please, stop loving me ~

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

~*~*~

Chapter 5- 

The sun had set behind the Forbidden Forrest, and gloom was falling on Hogwarts. Lily finally got up and went back to the Common Room, walking slowly, without making any noise. The room wasn't empty. James was lying on his stomach near the fireplace, scribbling furiously and occasionally turning pages from a thick, leather bound book. A group of girls was occupying a few of the armchairs, chatting with excitement, and…a loud noise made her turn around. A figure was feverishly rummaging through the room, and papers were flying everywhere.

"Remus?" said Lily, surprised at his behavior. He faced her for a second and went back to his search, but that second was enough for her to see his bloodshot eyes, drawn and pale face, and horrified expression. Her hand jerked up toward the silver pendant.

"Remus, what's wrong?" she said, compelled to help her friend, even though she would usually have stayed out of it.

"I can't find it," he whined.

"Find what?" she asked, beginning to be afraid for him. But he didn't answer, whether because he didn't want to or because he couldn't. Lily glanced back at the other occupants of the room. The girls were paying him no attention, but James had stopped writing his homework to look worriedly at Remus. _What's wrong with him? I hope he's all right. Am I like that too? Not accepting any help? God…_ thought Lily. Sliding her hands into her sweats' pockets, not knowing what to do except stand there and wait. But as her left hand touched the bottom of her pocket, her fingers encountered a hard, oblong object, and she suddenly remembered the vial that she had found that morning._ Is that what Remus is looking for? Is it so important as to be half mad searching for it?_

"Remus," said Lily, taking the white powder from her pocket, but she didn't have time to finish her sentence. As soon as Remus saw what she was holding, he lunged at her. It was as much by reflex as by luck that she got away from him and did not end up on the floor. The girls had stopped their incessant chatter, and making faces of displeasure, they got up to their dormitory, vacating the Common Room for whatever altercation was about to take place. James had stood up, his homework left forgotten on the floor, still not taking a side, but ready to intervene at any moment.

"What is that Remus?" asked Lily, holding the little bottle out of his reach. But instead of answering, he stared at that white powder with greed, and panted heavily. _God, what _is_ that to put him into such a state,_ thought Lily, glancing at the thing that she was holding in her hand, high above her head. It just so happened that she was taller than him and could hold the vial out of his reach. After a minute or two, Remus shifted his gaze to repose fully on her own eyes and simply said "morphine."

The vial fell from Lily's numb fingers, as she just stood there, mouth agape, staring at her one time friend in shock. Fortunately, or maybe not so, James was quicker than gravity and caught the drug before it reached the ground and shattered. He was about to hand it back to Remus, but Lily's shouted "NO" stopped him from doing that.

"Where did you learn about it? It doesn't exist in the wizarding world?" said Lily, visibly shaken by the nature of the white powder. Her hand was now fully clasping the silver charm at her neck. Remus continued to stare at the vial, his brow now beaded with sweat, although the room was cool. His left hand began to spasm, and he clamped it around a fold of his robe, but the tremors were still visible. His body needed the drug. Badly. 

"I read about it in one of your muggle books…Lil, I need it...you of all people should know that," he finally said, an unreadable expression passing through his face. James stood there, not understanding what was so important about a few pinches of white powder. But Lily knew, and she didn't know what to do about it.

"Why?" she whispered.

Remus scanned the room, but it was empty except for the three of them. "I'm a werewolf Lil," he said, his face pale, waiting for his friend to say never to talk to her again. But instead, she continued talking in a whisper.

"What does that have to do with you using morphine?"

"Lil, it hurts. You don't know how it hurts. When my bones change shape, I wish I would die. I always pass out from the pain. It's worse than anything you could ever imagine." His whole body shook with a shiver, as if he was remembering every detail of his monthly transformation. "At first, it helped. But then, I had to take more and more to make the pain go away. And …and now, I have to take it every week. If I don't, I...I start shaking, and I can't think and I…Lil, I don't know what's happening. I'm scared…" he finally said, his eyes moist. Lily slowly sat down on the floor, as tears trickled down her cheeks. _Oh my God, he's addicted to morphine, and it's all my fault._ She couldn't stop berating herself, her knuckles going white from clasping the pendant so hard.

"Rem, you're addicted. You have to stop taking that, or it will control you. It will destroy your life…do you hear me? You have to force yourself to stop taking that. You can either stop by using smaller doses each time, or you can stop altogether. That would be the hardest. You will be very sick, and you will want to use the morphine again. But you can't. do you hear me?…Rem?" after a moment of silence, Remus closed his eyes and nodded.

"Give me that James," she said, extending her hand. James glanced at Remus, and seeing him nod, gave it to her. And as soon as her hand closed around the small glass container, she rose and walked toward one of the tall windows. She opened it, unstoppered the vial, and watched its contents slowly drift to the ground, carried away by the wind. Turning back to face the two boys, she said again, "Remus, please, promise me you will never use it again, no matter what…I'm sure that there's a way to do the same, using magic, that won't be so bad for your health. Does Dumbledore know about…err… you being a werewolf?" For some reason, Remus glanced at James before nodding. "So why didn't you ask him for a solution?" she asked, a little exasperated.

"I didn't think about it," he said sheepishly.

"James," said Lily, turning to the black-haired boy, "please, make sure he doesn't use it anymore. I know that you don't understand what's so bad about some white powder, but just trust me…please?"

"All right, I will," said James, talking for the first time this evening. But how could he have said "no," with Lily looking at him with her big emerald eyes? He shook himself together, watching Lily walk up the stairs to her dorm, and thinking about a million things at the same time.

~*~*~

as soon as Lily set foot in her dorm, she flopped on her bed and closed the curtains around it. Curling around into a ball, her face in her arms, she sobbed, her hand searching for the comforting object around her neck._ Awful! God…how could this day turn out so …awful. Why did I give him those books…why…too much why's. And it's all my fault…God, I should have died with them._ But as her hand closed jerkily around the necklace, the memory of that long ago rainy day came back. _No, I can't. I won't. I will live for you, mom and dad. I'm sorry for thinking that way. I promise, I will try not to think about it anymore._ Her finger raced along the sharp edge of her magical journal._ But it's so hard…_ She sighed as she opened it, and began writing what she had wanted to do. It helped to confide in someone, especially if that someone was a journal that would never reveal what she wrote in it, and would always stay close to her heart.

~*~*~

Lily was wearing a white flowing dress, clinging to her torso, and flying around her slender legs. As she looked down at herself, she noticed that she was barefoot, but she couldn't feel anything under her feet. No cold floor, warm wood planks, or grass tickling her toes. She was surrounded by blackness._ No, not blackness. It's…it's nothing. It's empty. This place has never seen light, nor any mass, nor volume of any kind. Why am I here…or better yet, _where_ am I? _She continued to float indeterminately, not being able to distinguish seconds from days in this strange place. Her thoughts drifted with her, and with nothing to occupy her mind, she went over the past day's events. They had been happening from bad to worse, and she had been berating herself for Remus's problem._ I shouldn't be allowed to live, _she though bitterly, as her hand cam up to her neck, in search of her pendant. But instead of touching the cool silver object, her fingers gently brushed against the hollow of her throat._ What the…?_ She thought, startled. Her other hand came up too, but there was nothing to be found there. Her necklace was gone, and with it, all hope of sanity and strength. Lily frantically began to search for pockets into which she might have slipped her little treasure, but there weren't any. And she didn't have her wand._ No…No! _"NO!" she screamed as she began running, blinded by her tears and a deep, uncompromising fear. But it didn't matter; there was no direction in this place. Suddenly, she felt her feet touch cold stone, their thudding echoing somewhere in the back of her mind, but she didn't stop, running along a dimly lit stone corridor. It was never ending as far as she could see. Neither doors nor other corridors were visible to break the bleakness of this place. It could have been anywhere. Even the widely spaced yellowish candles that cast a stark, naked light were unadorned, and they could have belonged to anyone. Lily's heart thumped against her breast as she raced along that hallway, trying to outrun her thoughts, but failing miserably. Finally, she stopped, doubled over from her effort and trying to regain her breath, as her own little voice assailed her ears, deep with disgust and loathing._ Look at you… you are nothing. You don't even know where you are. You can't get out of here…running like a startle rabbit. That's all you are, a meaningless rodent. You are not worthy to be alive. You should have perished with your parents. _They_ should be here, instead of you. Go away! Go away from here and do not return to the living!_ Lily backed up into the wall, her back and hands pressed against the cold stone, searching for support. But as that voice continued to enumerate all the things she had done wrong in her life, all the friends she had mercilessly abandoned for her own selfish purpose, Lily slid down to the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees, whimpering, trying desperately to blot that vicious voice out of her head.

~*~*~

A/N: that's it for now. One more chapter, and this story will be finished. Please review! I know, this was a little angst-y… but it will get worse before it gets better. For all those with weak hearts, do not read the next chapter. I will probably write it before two weeks are over (and probably even before that). Anyway, I thank all those people who reviewed. It made me really happy. I love reviews. They motivate me to write more. But in case you DON'T want me to write more, then, don't read my stories, cause I will continue to write them anyway! J

Sorry to make this one a cliffhanger J I promise I will try to type the finale quick. Just let my poor fingers get a rest. They got a bit tired after typing so much!

Thanks again for those who reviewed, I love you guys! And for all of you who didn't, you are LAZY with a capital L (except those, of course, who have computer problems or who work off line.) J that's it, I'm finished with my "little" note. Pfewww! J

~ Ola ~


	6. chapter 6

~ Please, stop loving me ~ LO Normal LO 15 129 2001-09-26T21:12:00Z 2001-10-31T21:46:00Z 3 1605 9151 LO 76 18 11238 9.2720 0 0 

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola 

~*~*~

Chapter 6- 

Lying awake on his bed, James was listening to the peaceful breathing of his fellow Griffindors. An hour ago, Remus had finally fallen asleep. James didn't really understand what had happened that same evening in the Common Room between Remus and Lily. _ But whatever it was, it must have been really bad to put her in such a state. And Remus wasn't much better off. He was shaking so much that he couldn't brush his teeth._ But his mind went back to Lily._ Remus will be okay until tomorrow morning. But I don't know about Lil._ Rolling over on his back, he extended his arm to light his alarm clock. 11:52 said the little screen, glowing green, a dim hallow surrounding it for a few seconds until the little light went off and plunged the room into darkness once again. _Is it too late to see her now? Not really. Not if it's important. But what will I tell her? "Lil, I am waking you up in the middle of the night to ask if you are okay"? Yea, right._ But it was something more than that. He didn't really know what it was, but every time he thought about her, his stomach made a funny lurch and his palms tingled. _But what if she did something stupid? She wasn't thinking right today. What if she…if she decided that whatever had happened to Remus was her fault, and she jumped from a window? No she wouldn't…would she?_ A cold dread came over him, as he laid on his back, staring at the dark ceiling._ Arrg! What am I supposed to do? But God, I really like her,_ he thought, surprised that it was true._ What if something happened to her? Then you would never forgive yourself,_ said another voice in his head. 

After two more minutes of staring into space and debating whether to go see her, James sat up in his bed. It creaked a little as he swung his legs over the edge but none of the other occupants of the room stirred. Fortunately, the floor was made of stone, and although it was unpleasantly cold under James's bare feet, it did not creak under his weight. The 5th year girls' dorm was across the hallway from the guys' so he had no problem in finding the door. And anyway, it wasn't as if he had never been there before. The door was unlocked, and James allowed a smile to creep on his face, remembering professor McGonogal saying that Hogwarts's students had enough gray cells in their brain to know where they should not venture, and therefore should be allowed to roam around Hogwarts's grounds freely. _Yep, true that,_ he thought, suppressing a laugh as memories of nocturnal escapades with Remus and Sirius flooded his mind. But he repressed his mirth, and seriously went on with his mission. The room was in the shape of half a circle, the other half of this floor of the tower being the guys' dorm. Four beds were lined up one next to the other, their headboards backed up against the only straight wall. The two tall windows were open to let the cool night breeze in, the deep red curtains fluttering in the wind. A plush carped, also red covered the floor. But James did not pay attention to any of the decorations or the posters plastered on the wall. He was looking at the four massive beds. Each had the curtains tightly drawn around them. James took a deep breath and slowly parted the curtains of the first bed, his heart beating fast. As soon as he saw the sleeping girl's blond hair, he closed the hangings and moved on to the next bed. The second girl was blond too, but her hair as short, and she had a teddy bear cradled in her arms. James smiled and moved on. The third girl had dark hair._ Nope,_ though James. _Just my luck, she's in the last one._ He reached for the curtain, peered in, and took a step back in surprise. The bed was empty._ Oh no. Where did she go? Should I go looking for her? Maybe she went to the bathroom, or maybe she is downstairs because she can't sleep…_ but his mind was whirling with other possibilities, most of them rather gruesome, until his eyes caught the gleam on the covers. A silver necklace and a silver book, lying open on the bed. A diary. For a moment, he was unsure as to what he should do, but his feelings for his friend were stronger and he reached for it with a trembling hand. As he quickly scanned the last entry, his face became as pale as the moon outside, and the pendent fell from his opened hand._ She wouldn't!_

He rushed back to his own dorm, not caring whether he made any noise._ The map! Where is the damn map?! _He thought, searching through the wooden chest at the foot of his bed._ Got it! _"I swear I am up to no good," he whispered while already in the hallway. Miraculously, no one woke up. James, Sirius, Remus, and some kid named Peter made the "Marauder's Map," as it was called, two years ago. It showed a very detailed plan of Hogwarts, and little dots represented where people where. It was quite useful when trying to evade Mr. Filtch and his odious cat. But right now, James didn't care whether Filtch was at the other end of the school or right beside him. His eyes were only for the little dot that said "Lily Evans," and it was moving rapidly in the maze of the corridors on the lowest floor of the castle. Without thinking more, reflexively grabbing his wand, he took the stairs three at a time, using every secret passage he knew of to arrive at ground zero. As he stepped down from the last stair step, after countless hallways, stairways, twists and turns, he was heaving from exertion, wondering how Lily could run that long. This deep under the ground, the silence was a heavy presence. Every footstep could be heard, every little whisper. The hallways were dimly lit by candle stubs, most of which had burned out some time ago. _ This is creepy._ He stifled a yell as another candle was snuffed out and this part of the hallway was plunged into darkness. Hastily coming into the protective light of another candle, James glanced at his map and began his tired run again, his eyes shooting fearful glances into the dark corners, all the while wondering when something would creep out of them to attack him. Time seemed to slow here, the endless rows of locked doors and corridors blurring before his eyes. Somewhere far above, he heard a clash of metal against stone, but it reached James's mind as just another fact of life, no more important than his aching feet being numb with cold, or the chilly air burning in his lungs. After rounding another unrecognizable corner, James slowed down his mad dash. He could hear her somewhere ahead, and she wasn't running anymore. Chocked sobs reached his ears as he took cautious steps forward. But as they suddenly stopped, James hurried his steps. There she was, kneeling on the floor. Her dark red hair fell on her shoulders in waves and she was shaking with silent sobs. Her tear-streaked face was ghostly pale, and her shiny emerald eyes were looking at something she held in her trembling hand. James sighed with relief._ She's alive. She's afraid, but she will be okay,_ he thought, taking quiet steps toward her._ But what is she going here? What happened to her?_ He quietly kneeled next to her, trying not to frighten her further, and as he finally saw what exactly she was holding, his face became as pale as hers.

~*~*~

That little voice inside her head was merciless, and it wouldn't stop. Somehow, Lily's hand touched a cool, smooth object, and she picked it up. It was a knife. How it had gotten there, she had no idea, and the only way she had even recognized what it was, was by touch, as her eyes were filled with tears of fear and frustration. One last time, her hand came up to her neck, but it fell to her side, empty. Her necklace was gone, and with it, all she had held dear. Her life, her memories. There was no reason for her to stay alive._ I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry daddy. It wasn't your fault._ And with that last thought, she gripped the knife's hilt and ran the sharp edge from the wrist up her forearm, but the knife clattered on the floor before it got halfway to the elbow. A sharp pain shot up her arm as she saw crimson blood flowing from her wound. And she hissed in pain, clenching her jaw, and gripping the now bloody knife's hilt with her other hand so as not to grab her wrist and slow the life pouring out of her. She had no idea it would hurt so much, but with the pain also came an end to that dreamlike state she had been in. she was once again wearing her jet black Hogwarts robe, and she supposed she was somewhere in the castle proper. Sooner than she thought, her mind clouded again, but for a different reason. Her heart was beating slower, and her breaths came ragged and uneven. After a time, she couldn't even feel her arm, and her surroundings were dimming out as dark spots danced wildly in front of her eyes. As if from far away, she heard footsteps and a blurry face appeared in front of her own, as two hands delicately took her into an embrace. 

"Good bye," she whispered, smiling, as she felt a pressure on her arm._ It's too late, I will go now. Don't feel sorry for me. I am happy now._

"Lily, no! Stop! Do you hear me? What do you think you are doing? You can't go! You have your whole life in front of you…" said that voice again.

_James? _"James?" came a tiny whisper. 

"Yes, it's James. Come on Lily, you have to live, please…for me. Lil. Lily?" she lost consciousness, tears sliding down her snow pale cheeks.

~*~*~

_Oh my God! She…she really did want to…_ he couldn't finish. Tears trickled down his face, as the red patch on the floor quickly grew bigger. He grabbed her bloody wrist, trying to stem the flow of blood, wondering all that time whether he was too late. She looked at him for a moment and seemed to recognize him, but she was dazed, and becoming weaker with every passing moment.

"Lil, you can't go, please…for me. Lil. Lily?" and as he said it, he realized that it was true, but could destiny be so cruel as to take away his love the moment he found it?

Lily now laid unconscious in his arms, her hair as red as her blood, her snow white face a sharp contrast against her black Hogwarts robe. _God she's beautiful… what am I thinking about! She's dying and I am saying that she is cute! God…but I really do love her._ And with that last thought, he cradled her up in his arms, his hand still a tight grip on her wrist, and began the long journey back, through the maze of hollow hallways, empty of life so long ago.

~*~*~

End                                                 

A/N~ that's it for now. There might be a sequel to this story, but I am in the process of writing two other stories, not HP though. I hope you enjoyed this fic. I did. It is sad, and I hope I did not overdo it with her committing suicide just because her parents died, and she lost her only tie with them. 

Please review, and think about life. You never know what tomorrow may bring. Don't keep back your feelings from others. One time it may be too late to tell them you love them. 

Enjoy life, be nice to everyone, and dream. It may come true if you want it badly enough.

All right. I', finished with my little preaching here. Hope you have a great life. Peace and love J

~ Ola ~


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